I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
