Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
