dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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