every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize