hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
