I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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