I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
