Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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