this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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