Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
