saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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