we made out on top of his cat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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