Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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