i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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