If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
