I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
