my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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