She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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