dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
