My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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