So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
