This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
