Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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