coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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