Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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