her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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