He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
