he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
