Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
