She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
