I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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