A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
