Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
