I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
