Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize