You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
