how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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