I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize