burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think a kid would responsible me up
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
