Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
