On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
