wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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