Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize