I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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