Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize