If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish you could order shots online.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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