yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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