Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
