$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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