I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
