No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
