Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have post one night stand depression
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