is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize