I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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