It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hope mine doesn't look like that
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Randomize
