I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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