its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
