I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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