Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The air taste purple.
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