Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
