Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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