you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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