Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
