a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
