She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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