he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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