HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
