We named our party play list daddy issues
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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