her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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